The Lamp Post Conspiracy
by Kat and Hol
Summary: If you want to see the Sweep characters at their worse then read this side splitting parody full of laughs (includes a clumsy Ciaran, a psychotic Alyce, a bimbo Raven and even the great Killian the Wise plus more!)
1. Salty Tears and Secrets Revealed

The Lamp Post Conspiracy By Hollie and Kat  
  
A/n: Well, sunshine-faery and witches Kat here! We were bored and got talking about how much Morgan annoys us so we decided to co-write a parody! Hey it'll be fun =D This story starts off at the end of 'Awakening' and its not going to completely follow Cate Tiernan' series of events after that we're the writers, we're in control! Mwahahahahahaha!  
  
Chapter 1: Salty Tears and secrets revealed  
  
' Morgan, I have something for you.' Hunter said looking down at me with his beautiful green eyes. He pulled out a pink smallish stone from his pocket. ' Do you know what this is?' I looked down at it, I was guessing Beryl.  
  
'Is it Beryl?' I asked.  
  
Hunter smiled, ' No, it's another type of Beryl this is Morganite, your name stone.'  
  
'I was pretty close though wasn't I?' I grinned, Hunter nodded, 'Do you know what this stone can do?'  
  
'That was pretty good of me though wasn't it, so close there, with so little training and everything,' I interrupted, again Hunter nodded, 'now this stone . . .'  
  
'Score one for the home team!' I grinned extremely pleased with myself, I then meet Hunter's eyes, he looked pretty pissed so I shut up, 'sorry!' I whispered loudly  
  
'What I asked was, do you know what this stone can do?'  
  
I shook my head, ' No.' I replied, thinking he was going to go off into one of his educational lectures.  
  
' When a witch holds it and sends his or her energy into it, it shows what is deepest in that witches heart.'  
  
Saying that, he took his fingers off the top of the stone and there I saw. No wait... what the hell was that thing? Inside the stone I saw what looked like an old and very tattered penguin teddy bear. One of its wings looked like it had been bitten on a good few times, and it was rather dirty looking, like it hadn't been washed in over a decade. ' Oh my god Hunter what is that?!' I screeched.  
  
' What?' Hunter asked looking confused.  
  
' That!' I said pointing down at the stone. Hunter looked down at what he was showing me and I saw his pale cheeks turn a distinct shade of pink.  
  
' Oh I... err well. Oh dear. That's my bear Snuggles. He keeps me company when I'm lonely. You know... seeker business is hard work, and sometimes I get scared at night. They say there could be people after me, I happen to piss off a lot of witches. But Snuggles is a comfort... sometimes I even talk to him. Penguins are really soothing.' Hunter said in a rush. Oh my god. What was he telling me? He talked to his stuffed penguin 'Snuggles' at night?  
  
' That was meant to be you in the stone but well... Snuggles does mean a lot to me. Goddess if I lost him...' He let out a heartfelt sigh. Okay so Hunter loved his penguin more than me. I felt tears well up behind my eyes.  
  
This was like, so hurtful. I let the tears come, as I always seem to. Hunter noticing my distress wrapped his arm around me tightly. 'There, there Morgan, you'll always have a place in my heart. Right by Snuggles.' This made me cry even harder and I thought I heard Hunter mumble something about how he would have to get rid of his shirt.  
  
'Morgan, love, these shirts aren't all that cheap to keep replacing or send to the dry cleaners' I pulled away, wiped my eyes and looked down at his tear soaked shirt, his new shirt. Oh god, why do I keep ruining everything, I'm such a freak! Goddess! Why me, why!?  
  
Then just as soon as they had stopped, the cascade of tears came flooding back down my face.  
  
'Oh god! Now What?' Hunter moaned, I continued my sobbing, I couldn't manage any words, 'I - I - I . . .' I tried but my crying was choking my words back, and I knew if I spoke more tears would come.  
  
So I did only what I knew I could do, I clung to Hunter's chest as tight as I could and let them all out.  
  
I was stopped when we both looked up to the sky; we heard an insane cackling high above our heads, but we saw, nor sensed nothing.  
  
'What the hell was that?' Hunter muttered to no one in particular, my stomach tightened, Oh no! I thought, 'they're coming for me! I know it, they know I have awesome powers and whoever it is, is coming to kill me!'  
  
I saw Hunter roll his eyes, 'Love, get over yourself,' I didn't listen to him, I continued with my ramblings, 'is it Cal? Selene? Snuggles? Oh goddess why does everyone want to hurt me?!'  
  
I turned and screamed, running out of Hunter's house and deep into the woods to escape my killer, I came across a signpost in front of me, to the left it said, "this way to escape all inescapable deaths and paranoid torture" and on the right it said, "if you're Morgan and you're a complete dumbass, run screaming in this direction" Oh God, this was too much for my head to cope with . . . what to do? What to do?  
  
I took the right turn off.  
  
Well that was our amazing first chapter . . . I hope you guys enjoyed it as much as we enjoyed writing it. More funnyful chapters to come!  
  
Hollie n Kat! xXxXx  
  
Please Review!!! 


	2. Alyce over the edge

A/n: Well hello there people, Tis' us . . . Hollie and Kat again, we are back another chapter of comical characters who appear in the amazing 'Sweep' series by Cate Tiernan! Read on and feel free to laugh you head off . . . if you don't find it that funny . . . then what the hell are you doing still reading it? Lol!  
  
Chapter 2: Alyce over the edge  
  
Alyce was sitting in the small staff room of Practical Magick that was hidden away behind a tattered orange curtain.  
  
She was sat on a table with a bottle of pills and began laughing hysterically.  
  
'One for you . . .' Alyce placed a pill on the other side of the table, where Ogla, her imaginary was 'sitting' '5 for meeeee!' she cried popping five pills into her mouth following them down with a bottle of vodka.  
  
'One more time Ogla!' she cried after a fit of laughter, 'one for you . . . 5 for meeeee!' she repeated her movements again and burst into an insane fit of laughter.  
  
Alyce heard the jingle from the bell above the shop door. 'Ogla, that's a customer, just be quiet and I'll be back as soon as I can'  
  
She ventured to the other side of the curtain, 'Wow! A shop? I own this? I rock!' she laughed.  
  
She came face to face with a man maybe 7 or 8 years younger than herself with dark brown eyes, and dark hair with hints of silver shooting through it.  
  
'Hello,' he said in a faint Scottish accent, Alyce who had become completely infatuated with this hansome stranger began drooling white foam from her huge grinning face.  
  
He shook his head quickly and acted on his instincts to do what he came in to do.  
  
'Do you have a dragon blood talisman?' Alyce shrugged, 'how the hell should I know, I barely remember I own this shop half the time' A shocked look then crossed her face, 'WHAT? I own a shop! WOW!'  
  
The man narrowed his eyes, 'right . . .'  
  
'But we seem to have a lot of pretty candles . . . I bet ya want the black one in the shape of a penis huh?' Alyce winked, well she tried to wink, and it was more like she was trying to blink with duck tape pulling her eyelids back.  
  
She then gave up, pulled the bottle of pills from her pocket and threw a handful in her mouth causing the bottle to be, well, empty  
  
The man took the pills from Alyce's hand and read the label aloud, 'Worm tablets for dogs, give your dog 1 a day to prevent worms entering its system causing them being passed on to your pathetic kids and eventually onto you . . . why do you people own animals?'  
  
He looked at Alyce and then read the small print at the bottom, 'Warning to all chemists, please do not sell these to Alyce Fernbrake'  
  
He looked at the insane woman foaming at the mouth . . . I take it you're Alyce.  
  
'Yeah baby, and you are?' 'Ciaran, Ciaran MacEwan' he replied, Alyce went wide eyed, 'Oh Goddess!' she gasped, 'you're Ciaran MacEwan'  
  
He gave her a smug grin and nodded, 'that's right'  
  
'Whoa, you are so much sexier in person than how I imagined you! And believe me I have a good imagination'  
  
Alyce kept winking at Ciaran and came on to him strongly, Ciaran, understandably, was strongly resisting.  
  
'I'm sorry Alyce, really, you seem . . . great, but I don't really want to date'  
  
Alyce nodded understanding, 'Bad break-up huh?' she asked  
  
'Oh no,' Ciaran said, 'I just don't want to go out with you, you psychopathic, pill poppin' freak'  
  
Alyce glared at him and screamed, 'I'll never forget how you betrayed and hurt me Ciaran MacEwan, I will forever curse you!'  
  
Ciaran stared at her for a second and then burst into laughter.  
  
'GET OUT!' she screamed, he did as he was told laughing as he left the store.  
  
Alyce turned around and was heading towards the tatty orange curtain which she was considering painting pink when she stopped and took a good look around.  
  
'I own this?' she asked herself, 'Wow a candle maker, who knew' she shrugged and joined Ogla behind the curtain.  
  
'I'm back Ogla, I just have to curse the most good looking man I have ever met, then we can continue with our counting lesson, remember - 1 for you, 5 for me.' 


	3. Morgan meets Ciaran

A/n: Hey there Chica's! Thanks for the reviews we love knowing that you guys are laughing at reading this just as much as we are writing it! Remember that things aren't in the order here that Cate Tiernan writes them.  
  
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Chapter 3: Meeting Ciaran  
  
I was running fast through the woods, feeling my tired feet slap against the unforgiving ground. Oh Goddess, someone or something was after me, no doubt wanting to steal my powers or destroy the local coven. It was always one or the other...  
  
I carried on running, deeper into the woods until I ran into some unsuspecting man, 'Oof!' he cried as we both went down to the floor.  
  
I climbed off him and backed up against a tree trembling with fear, the man stood up and brushed himself off.  
  
'Please, don't kill me!' I screamed, he made a face that told me he was considering it then it disappeared, 'So, you must be Morgan,' he said  
  
I shook my head, 'no, I'm not Morgan!' I thought real quick of a name since I didn't want to give out my real name in case he was in fact here to kill me, I said the first thing that came into my head, 'I'm Hunter Niall!' I burst out  
  
Aww Crap!  
  
He gave me an uneven look, 'right . . .'  
  
'I'm the great Ciaran MacEwan!' he cried throwing his arms in the air as if saying 'Ta-da!' I frowned, it didn't ring any bells, and I shook my head telling him I haven't heard of him.  
  
'Oh come on, Ciaran MacEwan, the most evil witch since the wicked witch from the wizard of oz!' I smiled at the thought, that witch was so stupid, I laughed  
  
'Yes, laugh now, but you shall feel the wrath of my power young girl!'  
  
He made an overdramatic gesture with his hands and spoke a few random words, a large bolt of lightning came down and struck the tree beside him, one of the larger branches fell off and landed on top of him.  
  
'That's just great' he complained from underneath the branch, he was stuck, and of course I laughed.  
  
'That shouldn't have happened, I was supposed to hit you with the lightning . . .'  
  
We both felt another presence, a hysterical laugh sounded and then we heard the snap of twigs as the person back away through the woods.  
  
'Alyce . . . I should have known, she's put a clumsy curse on me'  
  
Alyce was my friend, lately she had been growing insane, Aliens landed in her brain and now she has an imaginary friend called Ogla and she keeps taking pet pills, I'm actually starting to worry about her, which is a shock because I only worry about me, which turned my attention back to Ciaran because he was going to kill me - any minute now - when he gets up - shouldn't I run here?  
  
'Why are you after me?' I demanded, 'Help me out of here and I'll tell you' he smiled, 'No, tell me first' I said  
  
He tried to free himself but then gave up and sighed, 'okay then, I was speaking with Selene Belltower, she told me something very interesting'  
  
'Which is . . .?' 'You are the daughter of Maeve Riordan and Angus Bramson, making you a very powerful witch, which means I have to kill you and take your powers'  
  
I began to cry, 'Why meeeee!?' I sobbed.  
  
'Well, I'm sorry your just really powerful, now will you help me up so I can force a tath Meànma on you and learn that you are in fact my daughter and not Angus' because your eyes are brown like your fathers and not blue . . . what kind of crap is that I mean Maeve could have had more lovers than she said!'  
  
I nodded in agreement then shrugged; I guess we all have a job to do.  
  
I pulled the extremely heavy branch off him while he pushed at the same time and then for the second time tonight, he stood up and brushed himself off.  
  
'Thanks' he smiled, he quickly wiped his smile off and we resumed our positions, he reached out and put his fingers on my temples and searched through my brain.  
  
When he finally pulled away he took a step back, looked into my eyes and cried, 'Oh Goddess! It can't be!'  
  
'What?' I asked  
  
Ciaran began to breath heavily and said, 'Morgan' in a voice like Darth Vader from 'Star Wars' 'I am your father!  
  
I stood staring at him wide-eyed and mouth open,  
  
'Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!' I screamed  
  
I was cut short by an insane cackling above our heads that wasn't Alyce.  
  
'How many more insane witches do we have in this parody?' I asked Hollie and Kat to which they just laughed.  
  
Ciaran gave a small fake cough 'achem'  
  
I gave him a questioning look and then remembered, 'Oh!' I cried then I turned and ran screaming back through the woods.  
  
A.N Review and we'll love u forever!!! 


	4. Killian the wise

A/n: heyaaaaaaaaaaa! We're back sorry we've not posted in a while, but hey! You know how it is! Please review!  
  
Chapter 4: Killian the wise  
  
I kept running further into the woods when I stopped and realised that I was totally lost. I looked around and saw . . . oh dear god it couldn't be!  
  
The was a man in a long white gown and cloak with a long fake beard tied round the back of his head by an elastic band, he held a long staff and was playing chess with a toad. 'Killian?' I asked  
  
He turned around to face me, 'Ah Morgan child, have you come for yet another quest?'  
  
'Killian? Why are you dressed up as Gandalf from Lord of the rings?'  
  
He glared at me, 'Who?' he asked 'I am the one and only Killian the wise! I am here to help you find out how to solve your quest, I am to help you discover who is the one that is out to get you, so you can defeat it and be safe again for about a week until somebody else heres about you powers and tries to come after you, my bet's on Ciaran'  
  
'So you know who is after me?' I asked him  
  
'Yes, I know everything' he said  
  
'Really?' I asked  
  
He nodded  
  
'Wow, I've wish I knew everything!' I exclaimed, 'Do you know the square root of 8523984?'  
  
He gave me a blank look, 'Do you want my help or not?'  
  
I nodded, 'Will you help me found out who is trying to kill me and how I can defeat them?'  
  
'Yes, I am not allowed to tell you exactly, I have to just give you some random riddle and you have to work it out in order to learn the truth'  
  
I gave him a sceptical look, 'A riddle, whose dumbass idea was that?'  
  
Just then I saw Hollie and Kat giving me the evils so I shut up.  
  
'Okay, are you ready?' Killian asked me,  
  
'Yes'  
  
'She is like a tiger ready to kill She hates you lot and kill you she will All she wants are your amazing powers I'm making this up so . . . err . . . give me some flowers'  
  
Again I flooded him with sceptical looks  
  
'What the hell is that supposed to mean?'  
  
Killian growled and then yelled 'I thought you were supposed to be clever now piss off and work it out yourself.'  
  
'Can you give me a clue?' I asked, he shook his head, 'Oh pleeeeeeeeease!' I begged  
  
'Okay, she has a son that tried to burn you to death and her name sort of rhymes with mean!'  
  
'Oh Goddess!' I cried, this was really hard, what kind of clue were these, I'll never figure it out!  
  
'Oh my god you dumbass!' Killian cried in frustration, 'Even Frodo gave me less hassle, at least he understood the huge hint I gave him!'  
  
He turned back to his game of chess and started an argument with the toad claiming how the toad must have moved some of the pieces around while he wasn't looking.  
  
I shrugged thinking that hadn't helped me at all and took up my run and scream thing through the woods again  
  
Meanwhile . . .  
  
A large cackle flew across the big full moon, it was Selene Belltower riding her broom, on her way back to her dark, dark, lair.  
  
Her contorted green face covered in warts twisted into a smile as she made her way over to her bubbling cauldron, she hung up her black hat and cape on a hook and she put away her broom and then cackled to herself as she looked into the huge brew of green goop.  
  
'Show me Morgan' she hissed, a bubble floated from the brew showing Morgan running through the woods.  
  
'I'll get you my pretty and your little dog too!' she cackled.  
  
Kat cleared her throat and Hollie informed her that Morgan doesn't have a dog.  
  
'I was talking about Hunter you half-wits!' she screeched at the pair.  
  
She circled the black pot and stirred the brew well, and cackled to herself as she cursed out her spell, her spell was evil - full of dark intent, then in comes her son and says 'mom get bent', she looked at her son whom she thought was dead and she picked up a gun and blew off his head, she screeched oh so loudly coz she again killed her son, Kat and Hollie are laughing saying 'isn't this fun?'  
  
'Okay, okay! Cut it out with the rhyming crap! Sheesh! How annoying!' Selene cried.  
  
'Sorry' Hollie and Kat say with evil little smiles crossing their faces.  
  
'Can we cut that out of the story?' she asked  
  
Both Hollie and Kat shook their heads and laughed.  
  
***Back to our *achem* heroine Morgan***  
  
I had finished running through the woods and ended up back outside Hunters house, I went in.  
  
'Feel better?' he asked  
  
I nodded slightly, 'I had an encounter with Killian the wise, and he gave me a riddle about who is stalking me'  
  
'What is it? Maybe I can help?'  
  
'It's a toughie, really hard, I don't think anyone will be able to solve it, Well at first he said something about Tigers, flowers and killing me maybe something about make up and then he said something about her having a son that tried to kill me and her name rhymes with mean . . .'  
  
Hunter scratched his head, 'Wow, that is a tough one, don't worry Morgan! I'll call the council, maybe they can figure it out!'  
  
Hunter waited for a bit and growled, 'Urgh! This phone has no dialling tone! Somebody must have cut the line!'  
  
'Err. . . Hunter. . . that's a banana, the phone is in the fruit bowl' I informed him  
  
'Ah, right sorry!' he said blushing and picking up the real phone.  
  
'That's better!' he cried  
  
When Hunter hung up from the phone he held me in his arms, 'I'm scared Hunter!' I said  
  
'Aww crap, here come the waterworks' Hunter complained, then I sobbed into his chest.  
  
I looked up when Hunter said, 'What the hell is that lamp post doing in my living room?' 


End file.
